I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
