Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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