When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
