Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
