I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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