GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize