I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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