Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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