I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
