I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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