I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We are two peas in an std pod
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
