My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
