bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
