Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
