in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
