I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
