Apparently you make a good broom.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
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