I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
