Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
