New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize