4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
