So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
