dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
