I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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