So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
