this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
