Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Shame - the story of my life.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
