How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
