I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i love accidental penises.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
