Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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