This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
