I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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