We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I would fuck him just for his dog
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
