i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We were destined to go to rehab together
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
