the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
