I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
