his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
