thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
