and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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