Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
