I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
