If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
