During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
