my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
