My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
