Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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