I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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