jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
