Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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