WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
