i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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