Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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