i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
