I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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