If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
