I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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