I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
