First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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