Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
