I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
