Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
