can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
well you can't waste a boner
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
