as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
