No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize