So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
